We’ve all heard the term, but what exactly is “mum guilt”? Mum guilt is the general feeling of not being a good enough mother, encompassing all the ways in which a mum feels that she is failing her child or children. Mum guilt can look different for everyone; maybe it’s not spending enough time with your children. Maybe it’s handing them the iPad while you cook dinner. Or maybe it’s that you’re unable to give them the opportunities you wish you could. The list can be endless.
Most women, and particularly mums, struggle with not feeling that they’re good enough. They feel that they’re unable to fulfil the perfect image of a mum, wife, daughter that is a throwback from the role women played in previous generations. Societies view of what a “perfect” mother looks like no longer fits in with our modern-day life, where women commonly work outside of the home. Yet, we haven’t been able to adjust our image of what a mum looks like and how much she is capable of carrying. And more importantly, despite being able to recognise these changes and the challenges of trying to balance work and family life, we continue to blame ourselves when we can’t fulfil the perfect image of who we think we should be. We then blame ourselves for blaming ourselves and the cycle of guilt and self-blame continues.
So, what can we do? The first step is recognising that being a perfect mum does not exist and it does not guarantee your children a perfect childhood. Mums are one aspect of their children’s life, but there are so many more variables that also contribute to their childhood; Dad’s, extended family members, teachers, illnesses, hobbies, the list is literally endless to the things that could impact your children in both a positive and negative way. And these are largely out of your control.
More than needing a perfect mum, your children need to see how you respond when things are hard. They need to learn how to ask for help, how to pick themselves up when things don’t go according to plan, and they need role models for how to manage the difficult, big feelings.
If you’re struggling with mum guilt, speaking with a psychologist can help to normalise your experience and equip you with strategies to manage this.
