At a glance
When a child shows behaviour such as anger, defiance, withdrawal, aggression or avoidance, it can be natural for parents and carers to ask, “How do we stop this?”
That question makes sense, especially when the behaviour is stressful, disruptive or affecting daily family life.
But in child counselling, it can also be helpful to ask a different question:
“What could this behaviour be communicating?”
Children are still developing the skills to understand, communicate and regulate their feelings. When they are overwhelmed, behaviour may become the way their distress, needs or confusion shows up.
This does not mean every behaviour is acceptable. Boundaries still matter. But looking beneath the behaviour can help adults respond with more understanding, while still keeping limits clear and consistent.
When behaviour is the message
A child may not always have the words to explain what they are feeling.
They may not be able to say:
“I’m worried.”
“I’m anxious.”
“I’m scared.”
“I’m confused.”
“I’m sad.”
“I’m disappointed.”
“I don’t know how to manage this feeling.”
Instead, those feelings may appear as anger, avoidance, tearfulness, defiance, aggression, shutting down or refusing to cooperate.
A child who is worried may become controlling.
A child who is overwhelmed may become angry.
A child who feels disconnected may withdraw.
A child who is struggling socially may avoid school or activities.
The behaviour is not always the whole story. It may be the part adults can see.
What may sit beneath challenging behaviour
Challenging behaviour can happen for many different reasons.
Sometimes a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions. Sometimes there are environmental stressors or changes, such as parental separation, the arrival of new family members, moving house, changing schools or transitioning from one class to another.
Other times, the behaviour may be linked to sensory overstimulation, social difficulties, tiredness, hunger, anxiety or developmental differences.
Executive functioning differences can also play a role in behaviour that may seem, on the surface, to be “challenging” or “difficult”. A child may look like they are being difficult, when they are actually struggling with planning, impulse control, attention, transitions or emotional regulation.
This is why it can be helpful to pause before assuming a child is simply “being naughty” or “choosing” to make things difficult.
The same behaviour can mean different things for different children.
Why connection matters
When adults can hit the pause button and empathise with a child’s experience, it can help the child feel seen, heard, understood and less alone.
That sense of connection can be regulating for children.
Feeling like another person understands them, is there to listen, and can help them navigate difficult feelings may support children to manage overwhelming emotions in more helpful ways.
This does not always happen quickly. It also does not mean the adult gives in or removes every boundary. But connection can create the conditions for a child to feel safe enough to learn a different way of communicating.
Holding boundaries while acknowledging feelings
Maintaining boundaries for children is important and can help them feel safe.
But boundaries can also be hard to hold when a child is dysregulated, upset or saying things that trigger a parent’s own worries or insecurities.
An important first step for parents and carers is regulating their own emotions. This may mean trying to stay calm, while still being assertive and firm when required.
It can also be helpful to separate the feeling from the behaviour.
A child can be allowed to feel angry, disappointed or upset. That does not mean they are allowed to hit, throw things, hurt others or behave in unsafe ways.
A parent might say:
“I can see that you’re feeling disappointed, and I know that’s really hard. You’re allowed to feel disappointed. But it’s my job to keep you safe, so I won’t let you do that.”
Or:
“I can see you’re feeling frustrated, but I won’t let you hit your sister.”
This type of response acknowledges the emotion while still setting a clear limit around behaviour.
A less helpful response might be:
“We don’t do anger in this house.”
“You’re not allowed to be disappointed.”
When children are told they are not allowed to feel or express certain emotions, they may learn that those feelings should be avoided, bottled up or hidden. They may also feel that the adults around them are not comfortable helping them navigate difficult or uncomfortable feelings.
The goal is not to remove emotion. The goal is to help children learn safer and more helpful ways to express it.
Responses that may escalate behaviour
When a child’s behaviour feels challenging, adults may understandably react quickly.
However, some responses can make it harder for a child to calm down or communicate what is happening.
This may include:
- telling a child they are not allowed to feel a certain way
- focusing only on stopping the behaviour without trying to understand the feeling beneath it
setting boundaries around feelings, rather than behaviours - responding with anger when the child is already overwhelmed
- using language that leaves the child feeling ashamed or alone
Punishment of any kind can also have negative consequences. It may intensify feelings of isolation or loneliness, or contribute to anxiety or aggressive behaviour in the future.
This does not mean there are no limits. It means limits are most helpful when they are clear, calm and focused on behaviour, while still recognising the child’s emotional experience.
What parents and carers can observe
When a child’s behaviour changes, it can be helpful to look for patterns.
Parents and carers may notice:
- when the behaviour happens
- what happened before it
- what time of day it occurs
- whether the child is hungry, tired or overstimulated
- whether school, friendships or family changes may be involved
- whether there has been a move, separation, new family member or change in class
- how the child responds to transitions
- what helps the child settle afterwards
- whether the behaviour is becoming more frequent or intense
Teachers, carers and other important adults can also help identify patterns across different environments.
A child may behave differently at home, school, sport, childcare or with different people. This information can help a clinician understand what may be contributing to the child’s experience.
How child counselling may help
Child counselling may help when behaviour is causing ongoing distress, affecting daily life, or making it harder for the child or family to function.
Support may involve helping the child develop skills to understand, express and regulate emotions. Depending on the child’s age and needs, this may happen through conversation, play, creative activities, observation or family involvement.
A clinician may also work with parents and carers to better understand what may be sitting beneath the behaviour and how to respond in ways that are supportive, consistent and safe.
Where family patterns, relationships or household stress are contributing to the concern, family counselling may also help families explore what is happening together.
Sometimes support may also help identify whether other factors need to be explored, such as anxiety or neurodevelopmental differences that may require further investigation or support.
The focus is not only on stopping a behaviour. It is also on understanding what the behaviour may be communicating and helping the child and family build more helpful ways forward.
When to consider professional support
All children struggle with big emotions and behaviours that challenge parents at times. This is normal and part of how children learn as they develop.
However, it may be useful to seek professional support if challenging behaviour causes undue distress or gets in the way of everyday life and general functioning as children get older.
It may also be useful to seek support if the behaviour:
- affects school, friendships or family relationships
- becomes more frequent, intense or difficult to manage
- leaves parents or carers feeling overwhelmed or unsure what to do next
A psychologist, paediatrician or allied health therapist may help families better understand what is happening and what support may be appropriate.
For parents who feel overwhelmed
Many parents feel worried, blamed or unsure when their child is struggling.
Please reach out for support. You are not alone. Everyone feels overwhelmed, uncertain and worried at times. This does not mean you are a bad parent or a failure.
Parenting can be hard, especially when a child’s behaviour is confusing, intense or emotionally draining.
It can help to remember that behaviour is often communication. When adults can pause, look beneath the behaviour and respond with both empathy and boundaries, children may feel more supported as they learn to understand and manage their emotions.
With the right knowledge and support, parents and carers can take steps to understand their child more fully, connect with them, and help them develop the skills they need as they face challenges over time.
Prepared with input from Endeavour Wellness clinicians
This Expert Insight was prepared with input from Endeavour Wellness clinicians who support children and families.
This article is general information only. It is not a diagnosis, treatment plan or personalised mental health advice. Anyone concerned about their child, family or wellbeing should speak with a qualified professional.
For related support, learn more about child counselling or family counselling at Endeavour Wellness.
